10 Commandments for a happy Christian marriage.

Every one wants to be happy. Moreover every one wants to be happy in the home, more than the working place or church. And when the man does not get this peace and happiness he wants in the home, he tries to get it with his friends in the coffee house or club. He sits there or plays in the club laughing and enjoying the atmosphere of joy. So he is filling the vacuum in his heart – a need, with a substitute. When he is unhappy in the home, he finds the shelter – his friends where he is happy and can laugh. Why, because the home is not giving the peace and happiness he desires.

Well, a man can walk out of the home into the circle of his friends or a club. But what will a woman do? She will become a victim of loneliness that will end up in depression. She will find solace in crying in the loneliness of the bathroom and meditate about suicide. Many such living corpses are not committing suicide because they have children. Yes, this is a naked truth and alarming fact. And the number of such victims are increasing rapidly. It is reported in different media that Kerala, where the illiteracy rate is very negligible and Christian population is very strong, the percentage of suicide is very, very high. The church has to wake up and conduct research to find remedial measures to counter attack and stop the invasion of this gorilla on the grape vine garden of families.

And what happens to the children in such fighting and or abusing parents? Where the father is not there to love, lead and guide. They drop out of schools, embrace communism or join naxalite (terrorist communists) movement or other revolutionary set ups. Kerala, the state of Christian missionaries, the percentage of Christians in communist party is very high. It is the Christians who helped communist party in this state to grow in the 50's and 60's. It is the Christians that installed a communist government in power. (Do you know that Kerala is the first state in the world to have an elected communist government in power?) It should not have happened if the Christians were not there to nurture it and help it. Do you know that more than 50% of the inmates of prisons in Kerala are Christians; where as the Christian population is only 24%.

Kerala is a land of gospel preaching. Each city hosts more than 100 evangelistic crusades a year. Every town has more than 5 Pentecostal churches and several evangelical churches.

Yes, the youths from the homes where the parents are not living in their role models, turns out to be troublemakers.

Yes, for most, the home is not a comfortable place. There is trouble and shaking and earthquakes – even tsunami – in the home. As a result people pack up and separate, fighting in the court for years for money, property, hurts and abuse. When God united Adam and Eve, he said, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Gen 2:24. The root word for cleave has the meaning of two glued together in such a way that it cannot be separated.

But man separates. Remember that it was not God’s plan at all, but man’s twisted idea. If two papers that are glued together are pulled apart, it will get torn badly and become unusable. That’s what divorce does to two people.

Ask a woman or man who is separated. 'Are you the same though you live with another person now? Same as you were living with the first person in love? Do you cry now? Cry when you think of your time with that person or your children in that marriage?'

You do – if you are sane.

Separation hurts because you violated the word of God.

But what do you do if you are already separated? You can do nothing. You cannot go back – if you or the other person is already married. Irreversible damage is done by your mistake, anger, ego or false pride and unwillingness to humble and say, 'I am sorry. I was wrong.'Â

If both of you are not already married and have kids, think whether you both can live together again at least for the sake of the kids. If needed you can meet a counselor. Think whether you can try again to live together.

But let me warn you that you must think one hundred times before you do this. Because you should not go through a second marriage with the same person and then a divorce again. You must not live in a self made hell and suffer violence, abuse and sleepless nights. If both have learned from your mistakes and has changed, really changed from the heart and is willing to take a different route, as in the Bible, you must consider this path. If you both learned from your mistakes and have become matured, it is a good idea to be united again and live in peace and harmony – and bring up the children in the commandments of God. But I would like to suggest that it is better that you both go for Christian counseling before you say YES.

Do you know why I say this? The child/children need a father and a mother. There was a time when the family counselors and psychologists said that a child needs a mother and that will fill the vacuum almost. They also thought that the presence of father is necessary as a provider and to discipline the child. And that is why the courts always handed over the child to the mother when there was a split in the family. But now everyone is thinking seriously as they have found that this is not true. A child needs the mother to love, feed, teach and so on. Girls a mother as they reach puberty or to teach them about marriage or home making. A girl needs a mother to counsel them about their teenage problems and emotional struggles – more than boys.

But now every one knows that a father is also equally important for a boy and a girl to provide them security and a role model. It is found that a child, whether boy or girl, must look up at the father as a role model and hero. Such children will do better, face the problems in a calm attitude, learn to protract others in the family and more over trust others in the family. Those who lost a father who left them and went after another woman will have many psychotically problems in their life, studies, believing people and their marriage.

Well, those who are in the category must not draw the conclusion and decide that they are going to be problem children now and later in their marriage. You don't have to be. You can be an exemption case if you will read books on this subject, trust God to make you a model for others in your category and work to be a success. You can. I know people who have done well – very well. You can be one of them.

Now, if you are already separated and cannot go back – trust God to take you further in the days to come. Do not cry over the mistake and end your life in guilt and shame. Learn from your mistakes. Have you heard the Jewish proverb, 'Making a mistake is not a mistake. Not learning from the mistake is the mistake.' Read that quote again.

Making a mistake is not a mistake. Not learning from the mistake is the mistake

So instead of living in guilt, bury the past. Ask forgiveness for all the mistakes that happened knowing or unknowingly and holding the hand of Jesus, walk forward, head lifted up in hope and trust in Him.

Are you separated and married again? Take care of your present marriage. I am talking to the man and woman. See that the mistakes you have done in the past are not repeated in this marriage. Here are 10 commandments that I would like to give to every married couple:

1. Thou shall keep the priorities in order. (1.God, 2. family, 3. job, and 4. friends. Recently when I was speaking on the TV on this subject, I illustrated it with a juggler most of you have seen in the circus. Do you know what will happen to a juggler who is playing with four lemons and one of them will fall from his hands. All the other lemons will fall from his hands. He has to stop, pick them up and start it over again afresh. Keep the priorities in the right order.)
2. Thou shall have family prayer every evening and eat at least one meal a day together. (Make both an enjoyable time. Think of good ways to make the food and prayer time not just a routine affair but quite different, at least once in a while – like different people cooking different items or every one taking part for a common meal. A study has revealed that the children from families that ate one meal a day together behaved much better in the school.
   Worshipping God by holding hands together or dancing together. How about having campfire and family prayer in a cold evening outside your home. How about having an open discussion about a subject the children are interested.) [Like: 'love marriage', 'why some people are not healed’, ‘where will be non-Christians will go when they die,’ ‘which baptism is right: child baptism or believer’s baptism? Why some Christians don’t wear ornaments etc. Make it a real interesting Bible study with total freedom given top the children to express their feelings and understanding.]
3. Thou shall spend enough time with your spouse and plenty time with your kids. Play together, go for a walk, picnic together and say jokes and laugh. Give each other memories as though each week is the last week you are going to live. Give each one enough time.)
4. Thou shall love and trust your partner as thyself.  (Do you doubt the character of your partner whenever you will see him/her talking to someone or laugh with a person of the opposite sex? Is it not just suspicion? If this gnawing suspicion is increasing as the days go by, do not hesitate to go to a Christian counselor at the earliest. It is found that the women dare to seek help from counselors and men normally hesitate to cooperate. This must change. Both should go. If one feels the need, the other must go too to help and find help.)
5. Thou shall NOT ever talk about divorce. (Remove that word from your vocabulary. Some time, the thought of divorce or separation may come into you. Arrest it. Your deceiving heart would say, 'this marriage was a mistake.' But don’t meditate about it. Don’t ever utter it. Stop it as soon as possible. Fill up that devastation thoughts with hopeful words and wonderful Bible promises.)
6. Thou shall NOT dig the past that stinks or pains. (Don’t dig into the past affairs of your spouse whether it is about the life before the marriage or about the first marriage. Or even about the failures of your spouse in the past with you. Look forward and talk of faith, hope and love. [1 Cor 13:13.] More of love, even when you do not feel like talking of love.)
7. Thou shall save for the future, so your future will be secure. (Men are more carefree or careless to think about the future. He feels that everything will be all right and bright. But the woman and the children feel happy and secure when they can feel it. For them love and security is not a feeling but it must be tangible. They need a house, money in the bank and security in the future that they can see and touch – sure of – and not just a dream of faith. They don’t like the fantasy talk of prosperity)
8. Thou shall not criticize each other, but praise you must. (You can correct. But remember the ratio 1:5. One criticism sandwiched with 2 + 2 or more encouragements and praises.)
9. Thou shall do all to enhance your marriage. (I suggest: Read a book on marriage and or family life every year and subscribe for a periodical magazine on family. The older you get, definitely you should read books because more than half of the aged couples are living in frozen marriages and sleeping in separate rooms.
   You should attend a seminar on marriage whenever possible. Not because you have trouble in your marriage but to learn about the traps and snare the devil will put to destroy a Christian home – the smallest unit of God on earth. Seminars will enhance your marriage and correct the directions and actions. Seminars will help you to understand your spouse as why he/she does many things different than you expect.)
10. Treasure your children. (Treasure them, protect them, cherish them, take care of them, live for them, love them, give them faith in GOD and invest in them. Their life, their protection, their education and their health must be your primary concern. Sacrifice all that is necessary for them. And build them in strict discipline with due love in such a way that no one will starve of attention or affection. No one will be able to say that my father and mother did not care for me and that is why I ended up as a mess.)Â Â Â
    

Well, if you are married first time, or second time, see that you are protecting your marriage. Just like you will protect a candle in the wind. Observe the 10 commandments.      Â

Remember your children. If you ever separate, they will feel the pain as though you were sawing them slowly in two halves from head to toe to live their lives and their hurt will never be healed.

A woman in Delhi went to the roof of a high rise building drank liquor as much as she could from a bottle. Then she left a note and jumped to her death. In the suicide note she wrote to her kids, ‘I love you very much. Believe me. I tried (for a peaceful family life) but it did not work. Bye.’

Do you think that she loved the kids? NO. It was just hollow words. If she really loved them, she would have lived for them. She should have sought help from good counselors.

She escaped but left the kids to suffer all through their lives and even the next and the next generation. Don’t you do that!! Don’t leave your kids and escape with a divorce.

Do yourself a favor –
= Love your partner with respect as the Bible speaks,
= Stay united as one,
= And let no one separate you – whether it is you, your ego, your pride, your parents or job. ‘No one should separate’ a married couple.